Two Worlds
I’ve often been told by my peers that I am some kind of an over-thinker. I’ve been told that I think irrationally about things that are insignificant to our existence. I’ve been told that I overdo attachments and values, often so much so that I end up ruining relationships and friendships. While I acknowledge the concern they have for me, I usually try not to be convinced by their opinion of me. I try not to be driven by how people perceive me, but rather by how I perceive myself.
Sadly, In all honesty, this often puts me in a dilemma. It pushes me into a vortex, where I find myself fighting two different opinions of myself. This fight, this conflict, is all I want to write about today. I want to write about the conflict between things that are actually right, and significant, versus the things that seem significant to me, and to humanity, in general.
If you’re someone like me who’s been brought up in a fairly conservative household, you would know how difficult it is to talk about “the hip” things that are common in society today. Be it drugs, relationships, sex, or atheism, we don’t really get to chat about it in our family. Surprisingly, while you might feel that I am pissed at it, I actually am not. I empathize with the idea, but I don’t find myself practising it. As unbelievable as it can get, talking about things like these is a herculean task for me, so much so, that on some days, I am convinced that I don’t belong to the generation at all.
Now that, my friend, I like to believe, is who I am. Someone wanting to get lost in this world, alone and happy, aloof from all desires. Someone, seeking spirituality, unbeknownst to sex, relationships, money or fame.
In a world where distances and barriers are broken down for good, I somehow find myself wanting to be an unknown. I find myself wanting to be an alien, a stranger, happily unattached to people or objects. A part of me craves this life. It falls back to this idea, every time it feels sad.
It is this part of me that keeps fighting the world, all the time, trying hard not to lose to it. It is this part of me that contradicts, what you, and others, usually see of me. What lies behind all the glamour, and confidence, is a conflict between two different people. It’s a conflict, not to win, but to compromise. It’s a conflict, where none is right, and yet both are true. It’s a conflict that pains all the time. It anchors me to the roots, and yet takes me out to the world. It pushes me to God, one step at a time, and yet pulls back by three every day.
It is this conflict that I want you to think about. I want you to write about the choices you make, the battles you win, and the scars you show. I want you to be as bold, as I am, right now, as I write this. I want you to realize who you really are, and what stops you from being your best self.
Remember, realizing problems is the first step to solving them. This is my attempt to understand myself, and I want you to be a witness to it.
